it was 14 years ago.
it was just yesterday.
it will always be just yesterday.
it will never be okay.
but we are eventually a new kind of okay.
it is how we find hope in the hurt.
God works in incredible ways. Ways that we would never dream.
Another holiday season is done. Another year of a very special ornament on the tree representing a baby boy who will forever be etched in our family’s hearts. This holiday season it seems God felt it time to open the carefully closed curtains and let some air and light in on the pain that doesn’t completely go away even after all these years.
It seems my facebook feed knows where my soft spot lies . . . it fills with families asking for prayers for their sick children, the little ones who are fighting to stay on this earth but will eventually move on to Heaven. This season in particular those posts multiplied. The flu virus started a run that we haven’t seen since that fall so long ago. Tears welled in my heart and on many occasions have spilled over without control. You know your daughter knows you when she tells someone to not ask you what is wrong because it will make the tears more plentiful. But the honest truth is that the best lesson I can teach her is that tears are healing and God’s way of bringing us closer to him. It is in the many tears that we relinquish control.
I keep books of photos close at hand but tucked away in a well loved cabinet that itself holds my most precious childhood memories. It has been years since this small book has been brought out.
it holds the only pictures I have of a nephew that I loved with all my heart. A squishy, happy, little boy who at the time was how I dealt with believing I would never have a child of my own. I couldn’t get enough of his laughs and hugs.
and then he was no longer with us.
To the families just facing this journey I share this to say as you begin this unimaginable road prayers from others who have walked it will lift you up. You are strong enough. You can do this even when it feels that you can’t . . . especially when it feels that you can’t.
There is great healing for those who hold God close through times that make you want to run.
Hold tight to those who hold you up.
Forgive and let others forgive you when a bad day gets the best of everyone in the grieving process.
Heal on your own timeline knowing their will be periods of tucking feelings away and then times of yanking back the curtain and letting it all out to get the air and light needed to deal with all the hurt. Let your self love again, laugh again, and have faith that God is so good He will get you through everything.
and most of all never lose HOPE. Hope found in knowing we will all meet again on the other side of this life.
I look forward to the day that I praise my savior in heaven side by side with this precious boy, my parents, grandparents, and a baby that we never got to know. In the meantime their memories are tucked in my heart and I hope to honor them by lifting up those in need of prayer.
— sweet Wes, you taught me to love so very much, to be strong and to be a better mommy that never takes a day for granted. Not a day passes that you are not still loved. See you again sweet boy. Until then enjoy fishing with Papa and let Grammie give you hugs for us. — love, Aunt Amy